In the joint review between Patti and myself today, Patti stopped me in my tracks when she mentioned that she abhorred that the hero and heroine failed to use a condom when they consummated their union(s). It was rather raunchy in my mind, I mean girl, I know you are on birth control, but when your raunch butt tests positive for The Clap don’t go crying to your OBGYN. But, frankly, it didn’t bother me – because I took it as a demonstration of the brain-dead aspects of the couple. Just a bad mistake of the couple in the book, not a failure of the writing. Much like if the couple were to say, rob a bank. That my friends, is a mistake the character makes, but I’m not going to enjoy the book any less. I like reading about stupid people and the stupid mistakes they make…makes me feel less stupid.
But that is me. It did get me thinking about what actions or attributes TURN ME OFF when it comes to romance. So, of course I came up with a list for today’s Dishing Junk.
The Ten Things That Make A Romance, a Bad Romance
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I tried to read two Feehan books, in both the hero called his “mate” Little One. That will be all for Feehan.
Heroine is treated like a child. Biggest Turn Off Ever. The hero calls his new sexy-time partner things like “Little One” or carries her around like a baby. I read one romance where he strapped her to his chest, while they ran across the dessert or field – or some other nonsense – in like a baby carrier type thing. Of course this whole time she was naked and he was — well happily nestled. I couldn’t figure out the dynamics of that particular phase of the story (see item #3).
- Patty Hearst is my Hero. This happens all the time in Romance. Either the couple starts out as sworn enemies, or the hero or heroine is trying to do some major deed that involves kidnapping or killing their eventual mate. Sometimes it works, but where it usually fails for me, is when the aggressor doesn’t redeem him/herself in my eyes. If all it takes is an explanation to redeem an attempted murder…well there would be a lot less people in jail.
- How is that possible? Ever read a novel where the couple are engaging in sexual activity that you can’t even fathom? Like how is he licking her toes and titillating her female nubs at the same time? From the aforementioned baby bjorn episode to a scene where the couple was on a roof top and I think there was some rain and they might have been upside down…
- Ever heard of honesty? The couple loves each other, but for some reason they just can’t tell each other anything. They keep secret upon secret. Okay, you had a baby that you gave up for adoption. I understand that might be traumatic, but chick, you agreed to marry this guy – time to fess up. The dumber the secret, the harder for me to accept it.
- Plot stuck in descriptions. I understand you want to paint a picture. But, really, do you really have to spend pages describing the heroine’s kitchen. I might really really like adjectives, but sometimes there is a just a little too much.
- Monotony to stall. Most romances go to crap the moment the couple hooks-ups or really when they declare their love. So the author will schedule a series of stupid reasons the couple can’t be together or monotonous events. We might have to paint the floor — so she is too busy. Or maybe he just can’t commit right now. Television shows do this all the time, but in a Romance, where the whole point of the book is the love of the couple – crazy-not-cool.
For not being a Romance Writer, Sparks sure follows the leader when it comes to his monotonous descriptions of relative useless tasks…
- Menage Madness. I do understand that this is usually only in erotica fiction, but the menage seems to be taking off in that genre. I’m not any kind of expert on this (sticks fingers in ears and claims innocence), but I would think that an introduction to this type of lifestyle might be discussed a bit before it actually takes place, instead of said third party showing up while the couple is otherwise engaged in the moment. This was actually the first menage book I’ve ever read – which I didn’t realize it was this genre. The guy just popped up in the bed and it was about two-thirds into the book. A definite WTF moment. Another one I read was I believe, with triplets, where they kept switching and the chick on the reveal was like – “oh yeah, let’s all try it now.” She was also supposed to be in love with one of them. If my man did that…no way.
- Stupid Descriptions. This is my main reason I do not enjoy historical romance. I don’t like to read about throbbing members, mons, petals, cups…manflesh, or ripped bodices. How about some modern euphemisms please, or some new ones? Wang, Dipstick, Johnson…no just kidding.
- Insta-Love Time. The fate/mated couple, the couple that fall immediately in love even though they spend only 24 hours together. The made-for-you couple, the one that he is the only one that can touch her, because she has some weird pheromone problem that kills anyone (but him) that she comes in contact with. Drives me bat-shit.
- The Make-Over. The main character, usually the heroine, is rarely noticed. But, she either comes into her own (grows up one summer or moves back after years away) or gets a make-over and suddenly that guy is totally into her. Oh, you only like me cause I’m pretty? Ok. *rolls eyes*
I think that is enough. What do you think? What Romantic cliches, traps or tropes drive you nutty?
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You hit all of my least favorite romantic tropes. I also dislike poorly written male characters. I mean, I don’t need the stereotypical ‘Alpha male’ (in fact, they irritate me), but male characters who are Chicks with Dicks are worse. Real men are way more interesting than the majority of rom. pale protags I’ve read.
You are hysterical. Wang, Dipstick? ROFL. Ok Ill admit something I really love Sparks cheesy, ridiculous books, they come in handy for fluffy brain candy when I need it. That whole baby swaddle thing, I must know what book this is…that would creep me the frick out.
In the list of stupid descriptions, I don’t want to hear about anyone’s “core.” “She felt it to her very core” and such. I’ll let one time a book slide (although I won’t like it). More than that, you’re over the limit.
you are my hero and YES to the whole list. They bug me at different times for all the different books
Yes, yes, yes, yes! All of these are so true. I just finished reading a book with really bad romance in it. It had the stalling description, the weird description, the how is this happening?, and Patty Hearson. I’m pretty sick of insta-love, too. Thank you for sharing this list. It’s amazing.
Oooh, two and ten are my absolute biggest pet peeves. Up there with “100 years old guy stuck in a 20 something year old guy’s body.” WHY IS THIS A THING? I can’t seem to get away from it. I blame the rise of the immortal vampire, but why is the girl always human? Sheesh. Love this post though, so true!
I totally agree with you. And I love this post!
I really don’t like the lies, because how can you start a relationship without telling the true and expects everything to be perfect?
That’s my only problem with romances at the moment.
Unless it’s a historical, CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!!! (Okay, also if it’s PNR and the supe can’t get those diseases than that’s okay too)
1. ZOMG, what book is that?!?
2. This usually only works for me in Highlander Historicals (I loves me a kidnapped bride, lol)
3. When I need graph paper and a protractor to figure out positions I’m done with it!
4/5/6/7 Agree!
8. Velvet over Steel. Ugh.
9. I hate insta-love unless it’s a PNR with Fated Mates. Then I LOVE it!
10. Eh, if it’s well done I can live with it.
1) I can’t remember the name of it…maybe I can find it. But, it was this alien race that has to find it’s mate. And he was like a King. He found her on Earth and kidnapped her. Then brought her back to their planet — but I think they were being invaded or something, so they had to travel. I remember they had all these slaves, so he would have sex with his slaves too. It was rather bizarre. I wish I remembered it.
2) I’ve only read the KMM series oh well
I can’t take Fated Mates — I think it is cheating…
was it jaid black trek mu q’an series?
What a fun list. I completely agree. I love romances, but I am ridiculously picky about them. I particularly hate number 6. These reasons often end up being just ridiculous.
I love romances too — and most of the time when this happens, I just roll my eyes.
Oh my gosh I totally need this post. TYSM! I snorted. LOL’ed. And there may have been a ROFL with the dipstick mention.
I am totally skeeved by #1. Or with the reverse where the heroine is calling the dude her “daddy” or just “big daddy.” Yeah. No. Not for me.
I don’t mind #2 if it’s paranormal and they are enemy specifies who defy their genetics and fall in lurve.
My biggest peeve is number three. No, you are not having the best time getting it on in that frigid stream with the ice cold mountain runoff in early April. Or bare naked up against a rough tree’s bark. Road rash does not make for sexy times IMO.
And totally agree on number eight. After reading Valley of the Horses when I was ten years old I have never gotten over the author’s description for the man’s “bits” and cringe every time I hear that particular phrase used in its proper context. I don’t know any girl or guy IRL who use those “special” terms when referencing each other’s body parts. Ever. Who are those people?
My other peeve is male character names in romance. Unless we’re talking historical or paranormal where there is some flexibility, I always find it odd when the girl has a normal name like Mary and the dude has some uncommon or exotic-sounding name. What are the odds that Becky Sue is hooking up with Marcello, or Lancelot?
Awesome junk topic this week! Still laughing.
Road rash — or wait — the ten hour marathon sex-ca-pade with the guy with the biggest wang on the planet. Uh-huh – sure.
ROFL! OMG – I thought I was defective because this is how I think! I’m like, “Damn, I guess I’m just a frigid princess because tree bark doesn’t sound good in the least! And, er…sore much? Ow! How is that fun?!”
I think I’m falling in love with you Rachel. Is that creepy? It isn’t insta-love, I’ve been following you for ages
I agree, there really are some bad tropes in romance novels that make me cringe, even if I really, really love the genre.
Sometimes, it almost seems as if the author is embarrassed by what s/he is writing, and that makes me a little embarrassed to be reading it as well. If you need to make up new words for body parts that are in contact when having sex, because you don’t want to be too direct, maybe it’s taking something away form the story? I also don’t like it if it gets too medical… I don’t want to read about vaginae or penises either.
Great dishing-the-junk! And I still agree with Patti about the condoms! It can be done in a very sexy way, like it was in Making Him Sweat by Meg Maguire. The way the couple talked about it made me swoon even more for the hero!
Oh hey Lexxie…
How you doing?? *bats lashes*
I haven’t read Making Him Sweat…but I have read where it was a quick. He pulled it out of his wallet — viola done. No fan fare. Worked for me. I also read a funny one where they had to run to the store. Those are always good.
LOVE IT!
im an avid reader, and also in the middle of writing my first book. This has been really helpful, as Im trying very hard to avoid pitfalls. ummm the embarrassment bit, not gonna happen. my guys are taking over and writing what they want said, i love pnr urban fantasy menage romances! wahahahaha throw it all in there! the more mayhem the better! i hate weak female characters, if they whine the whole series does my head in! i dont mind, not having a clue at the beginning of the book. esp. when shes human and gets tossed in the deep end! sink or swim baby!
Most of these if done well, I’ll give a pass. It’s when it’s obvious that it drives me crazy lol. Good luck with your book!
All. of this. Especially the insta-love.
And what is with these men that “can’t take no for an answer”? Am I the only one who finds people who can’t respect boundaries fucking creepy? Oh, sure he didn’t rape her just harassed, blackmailed, or scammed his way into her
pantsheart. It’s no means no and yes means yes, did they fail kindergarten?Plus people actually into BDSM are strict about boundaries so some douche actually demanding being called “master” outside of sexy times and right off the bat without establishing guidelines to protect the submissive gets blacklisted and shunned. I’m not even into BDSM so it’s easy to find out. Talk about perpetuating a harmful stupid stereotype.
Ugh.
I hear ya! Good point. The stalker dude that finally breaks the heroine down… *shivers*
Half the time these romances written about niche sexual practices have no idea about them. Is like really? You can describe what it is like to be with three guys — sure. At least watch a porno to get an idea…
Great post! Agree on all counts. I’m not much of a genre romance reader, though I do like my novels to have some romantic elements, and this is precisely why. Too many tropes used all the time, and generally shallow plots. I tend to fall asleep. Great points, though. I think you hit the nail squarely on the head with this one.
I read a particular manga genre called yaoi, or male/male pairings mostly written for women because it’s a bigger market than people seem to think *coughs*. Uh, anyway, one of the most common tropes in it is “But we’re both guys!” which gets quite old when you know it’s not going to change a darn thing about the ending. I actually read one once that reminds me of number seven: a couple was having sex, and another guy came in through the window. That wasn’t the worst thing about it, but it still made me pause, put down the thing, and wonder what the heck the author was on for that sequence.
Great post! I totally agree. The childishness is a big turnoff. I mean these people are grown and acting like a bunch of kids. It’s really rather gross.
My #1 with regards to paranormal romance specifically is when supernatural characters who are hundreds of years old are making the same dumb-ass relationship mistakes that teenage human girls make. Seriously, what kind of F*cking idiot does someone have to be to have learned nothing at all about relationships or human nature after all that time?? Yet many authors have them making the same wrong assumptions, jumping to the same wrong conclusions, and creating the same unnecessary drama. It’s ridiculous. A character who has lived that long HAS to show some higher level of maturity and wisdom than their human counterpart.
Love this list! I HATE it when the guy always “reaches through her curls” or some such idiocy regarding “curls”. I know there’s no awesome way to describe that section so can’t we leave the hair a mystery? My other peeve is when they are describing it as not being able to tell where one began and the other ended during sex. Really? Is it an osmosis creepy thing cause I can figure it out otherwise.
Your list was hilarious!! Many of those are the reason I’ve kind of stopped reading romance novels for a while. I especially hate when the hero gets shot or stabbed and the heroine sobs and sobs because she thinks he’s dead before God sprinkles his miracle powder and he makes a full recovery. By this time I’m like, I wish he did die…at least there wouldn’t be another page to turn.
I agree with all of them except for number 2, I don’t mind that one. These are some of the reasons why i don’t read romance novels, especially adult ones, I tried some and it didn’t go well. Some young adult romance novels I love, like Anna and the French Kiss, and Sarah Dessen’s novels. But I feel like paranormal romance and adult romance use the tropes above too often.
And people onder why I’m one of the few girls who loves action and mystery, but isn’t much of a romance fan.
The ones that annoy and bother me the most are #1 and insta-love. It’s gotten so overused in both young adult and adult novels that by the middle of the book I’m thinking, I don’t care about their relationship, they could die for all I care. I wonder who actually finds being called “little one” by their partner romantic, I don’t mind when the guy calls the girl “kid” a few times because I always find that funny, especially when the girl gets so mad, like in the beginning of Obsidian by Jennifer L. Amentrout, Daemon called Katy a kid and then said that she looks like she’s 13 years old even though she’s 17.
I prefer books that focus on other things like saving the world, have a strong independent female main character, she can be strong both physically and mentally or either, and the story has some romance in it. I like bad boys that have a good side, but I’m starting to get bored of them too, they’re in too many books these days. I’d like to see a guy like Puck from The Iron Fey as the main male character, I wonder there aren’t guys kind of like him, instead of always the mysterious bad boy. I wonder why some people don’t get tired of the same old stuff after so seeing/reading it so many times.
-Nazish @ Nazish Reads
I guess I’m the odd one out here. I’d rather have “intsa-love”, where lust leads to hot sex, which leads to falling in love, than the tedious, “will they or won’t they” stuff that involves him having to prove his “worth” over and over again before she will allow him to touch her. Snore. This kind of thing only suits YA or Inspirational books where there won’t be any erotic pay-off. My Mom used to read romance books by the bagful and she’d drop-kick a book across the room if it ended with a sunset, or the waves washing up on the beach.
Besides, how can you fall in love with someone when you have no idea if you will enjoy each other in bed? That’s a recipe for disaster!
I agree about #7, the menage, though. I can’t accept that any man would willingly share his woman with another man, let alone a brother! My 3 boys often fought viciously over toys! I can’t imagine how they’d ever share a female without each one insisting that he was “the best”!
And as for #8, I read a hilarious blog last year listing many of the “purple prose” descriptions of body parts that the reviewers had encountered. Some of them were so silly you wondered why someone so obviously uncomfortable with naming sexual parts would bother with an erotic scene at all.