Hey guys, miss me?? Finally…but hey if you are under 18, I have some other awesome posts that you might be interested in, just maybe not this one.
We are now entering Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 16
Slowly the outside world invades my senses, and oh my, what an invasion. I am floating, my limbs soft and languid, utterly spent.
We start Chapter 16 of Fifty Shades of Grey with another post-coital bliss moment with Ana. And of course, lolling around all sex-stuffed, she has to begin psychoanalyzing Christian and his “No Touch” policy. He tells her in no-uncertain-terms that his reasons for not wanting to be touched are…
Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.”
Quick change of subject and Christian starts grilling her when he believes she is keeping something from him. It turns out, our dear Ana had a wet dream and woke with an orgasm. It had something to do with a riding crop…brown plaited leather to be exact. How charming. Does she want this or not? I’m confused.
That little tidbit puts Christian firmly in control again as he starts pushing his weight around, focused primarily on the fact that he wants her on birth-control and will call in his doctor to sort out the problem.
The one thing that puts up my WTF radar though is the fact that he refers to the contract and the fact that he won’t let her play until she signs it. This is a lightbulb moment for Ana, because she can just stall and keep the vanilla without the nuts sex. Christian of course says that this is no way, no how, moment, because if she stalls he’ll just kidnap her. Charming.
But, then he almost immediately turns into a hypocrite when she rolls her eyes and he spanks her.
He places his hand on my naked behind, softly fondling me, stroking around and around with his flat palm. And then his hand is no longer there … and he hits me-hard. Ow!
What happened to that contract Christian??
“Oh, baby,” he breathes. “Welcome to my world.”
Yes, because every girl dreams of being with a guy that is “Fifty Shades of fucked up.” Sorry can you guys tell I’m a little over this?
Then he rubs some oil on her ass and leaves.
I feel lonely and uncomfortable her, unhappy with my own company.
Wouldn’t that be an indication that this dude is bad for you? Then we are crying to mom. But, hey he bought her a car, right??
More emails. This is my paraphrasing of the email conversations:
Christian: You are so hot. Take some Advil.
Ana: Defy your orders! Bah! And I like wine not Advil. Oh, and I don’t like caning.
Christian: Go to bed. I won’t take a cane to your ass.
Ana: Blah Blah, I can sell a car better than Taylor.
Christian: I know you are drunk so that is why you are defying me. I want to spank you again and Taylor rocks, he is ex-Army (it is prior-Army BTW, not ex and nothing against the Army, but how does that give him experience in selling/driving Beetles?) Don’t make me mad — grr… we don’t fuck occasionally (well I thought that was all he does, and they do occasionally, so what is the deal?)
Ana: You suck.
Christian: Why?
Ana: Waaaaaa….you don’t love me!!!!
Ana is rather proud of her email correspondence. There! But, then the inner monologue starts. Why is he so fucked up? Why is he the way he is? If he was normal would he like me? No — he wouldn’t like me…crying crying. Gah!
But, wait — what is that noise? Is it my fucked up knight here to burst in my door to tell me that he loves me and we will only do vanilla without the nuts????
Well, Kate is really more of her knight than Christian because she is getting all in his face. Hee hee. But, Christian brushes her away like a little gnat and bursts into Ana’s door — and witnesses her in her sobbing finest. I really feel bad for her here, because you know how you look after a pillow cry fests. *shivers*
Kate follows her in and asks if Ana is okay and redeems herself with this:
“Just holler if you need me,” she says more gently. “Grey-you’re on my shit list and I”m watching you,” she hisses at him.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Yeah, just had to insert this in here…isn't it fab?
Okay, back to Christian, Ana Dialogue:
Christian: Why you so sad?
Ana: Deflection
Christian: Advil!
Ana: Nope.
Christian: Take em!
I do as I’m told
Ana: No like hitting. Pout.
Christian: You not supposed to. That’s the point. Duh.
Ana: Ok. Why you like?
Christian: <— Control freak. Duh. I wanted to spank that ass ever since you questioned my sexuality. I not gay! Whack.
Ana: But you hit me cause I don’t act right, why you think I don’t act right?
Christian: You must obey rules woman!
Ana: Buy why?
Christian: <— Control freak. Duh. Plus your ass is hot all pink.
Ana: So you don’t like pain?
Christian: Uh, yeah, but I also am sick and I like to make you do it and see what you will do because I make you. Control freak. Duh.
Ana: I’m so confused.
Christian: Yeah, but I make you hot when I spank that ass.
Ana: Hot now!
Christian: Dammit no condoms!!!
Pause for the SAT word:
I’m not a priapic monsters.
priapic – dick shaped *snort*
Ana: I’m so hot for you Christian.
Christian: I’m so hot for you Ana. Can I stay here?
Ana: Ruff! Ruff! Excited puppy! Oh wow he has a lot of shit in his pockets (WTF?)
Christian: Roll over, move over, push over, lie down…
Ana: Snore….
That concludes Chapter 16 of Fifty Shades of Grey. Wasn’t that riveting?
- FSOG was Twilight Fan Fic — why not read the real thing?
- Alpha Males are best served Vampire. Try the Black Dagger Brother series.
- Want a little naughtier? Give a menage a try.
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LMAO! I feel like the further in you get the more annoyed you are with the book. Gonna make it to the end? Certainly won’t blame you for a DNF but your posts sure are entertaining.
You should totally write a book Rachel! I like your version so much better! LMFAO!
I’m so confused and so amused at the same time!
Damn it! I have not been to good about going through my reader, so I missed this read along. I just recently purchased the book to see if it is as good as some are saying.
what not I understand Anastasia loves Christian, but he love not she or rather it shows he it her not real
Unfortunately, the whole series is pretty much like this. Christian’s always being annoyingly mysterious and he and Ana bicker constantly. I love this read along though. I can’t stop reading these posts because you crack me up. It’s more entertaining than actually reading the book.
I’m so confused. She is getting into a BDSM relationship with a sadistic dom and isn’t a masochist? This sounds like it’s gonna end horribly.
Your 50 Shades of Grey is SO much better than what I imagine the original to be. That Edward Cullen-esque line made me gag a little, but your take on the email correspondence was CLASSIC. Add some fun Parajunkee Designed graphics and you SO got a winner! I predict millions!
I’d buy a ton. 
Priapic – who says thing like that? I don’t get the point of inserting crazy obscure SAT words. It makes you seem pretentious.
Hahaha, I love your take on this
This post is quite entertaining. Of course, I loved the book because I thought their conversations were funny. Did they annoy me? Yes!!!! Ana is a freaking idiot sometimes and Christian annoys the hell out of me….They need to just deal with teh fact that they are in love and get it over with. I still love it though. Probably because of the exquisite sex scenes. (except sometimes I dont like how E. L. James likes to use actual bdy part names. I’m not a bio major, I have no idea what body part your discussing. I assume its a neck? or maybe a shoulder blade? I’m not sure.) lol
No more lines with her Inner Goddess in it. No more, no more, no more. Is she bipolar? And the emails are just inane. Sigh, this is really much more fun than reading the book. One more “I’ll spank you if you roll my eyes at me because I’m a control freak who is fifty shades of fucked up” and I may just barf.